So if my life were a story being studied in an English class, the teacher at this point might stop to take a look at how the civil war happening in my uterus right now is symbolic of the political turmoil dividing our country, or how it and the Midol I’m about to ingest are just an example of realism, where my pain is not symbolic, just sucky.

Both of these are wrong however, because of the format. This is a blogger analyzing life, self, and a commercial product, meaning that this is a brief amateurish example of metafiction (metanonfiction) social commentary.

Go home, you know who you’re following, people.

Realizing the comma splice you just wrote in a comment for a reblog.

Oh, what’s that? Nothing but the first draft of the first lesson plan I’ve ever written, no big deal.

Actually, it is a big deal. 

I’m not even sorry; ARE YOU BLOGGERS FUCKING IDIOTS, or have you just not paid attention in English since Junior High because you were too busy spouting truly awful pickup lines in order to pay one damn iota of attention?

Selected criticisms:

• “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” No. Fucking no. This poem is already a pickup line. Don’t change it to suit your inability to read past the first line. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day—thou art more temperate, more fair.” How the hell is “You’re just as hot and you don’t sweat as much” comparable to calling a girl more pleasant and beautiful than the best day of the year?
• “All these poets bit the dust so YOUNG. They were, like, our age.” OH MY GOD, HOW NEW ARE YOU? How many sonnets are about that? Just… Just… Start at To His Coy Mistress, and, like, just keep going. Donne. Sir Philip Sidney. Shakespeare. Just… God, there are so many poems that say “Hey, we’re young and going to die. We should totally fuck.” And using poetry to say it is fucking classy, you bastards.
• “If you are studying a play - Wanna run lines with me? Your voice is so sexy, it makes me want to Mac your Beth.”
  
  …
  
  …Do you know anything about that play.
  
  Do you. Do you. 
• “Let’s take this Long Day’s Journey into one Long Night. *Follow up with some hip thrusts.*”
  Wow. You just tried to make that work. And that’s not a pickup line—that’s propositioning for sex. There’s a difference—are you aware? 
• In the category of Dickens:
  “I have Great Expectations for you, me, a greasy bucket of extra-butter popcorn, and Friday Night Movies.” This offends me considerably less. Except that the only remotely English thing about it is a title drop which alludes not to any plans for the night. I mean, there’s some neat shit in that novel. Come on. 
• Ooh! Inconsistency! “‘You are my Agnes.’ (Read the book. Agnes is cool.” REALLY? YOU HAVEN’T GIVEN ME ANY INDICATION YOU’VE READ ANY OF THESE, AND NOW YOU’RE BOOK RECCING ME? FUCK YOU!

And you see, I would be laughing so fucking hard if this was written by nerds to be needlessly cruel to have a laugh with (willful) idiots. Except this just seems to be written by idiots targeted at nerds.

A nerd pickup line requires thought. It requires understanding. It requires shared interest. I should think it requires mutual respect. And all I am getting from this post is “You are not worth understanding. Your English class if for my crude passes at other students, not for learning the material.”

Well, Ms. Lisa Bernier, if that is not what you were going for, and if you find me completely bereft of a sense of humor, and if these are somehow both funny and respectful to every other English nerd on the planet, then on that thrice-conditional I hang my apology. I apologize wholeheartedly for perceived insult, I apologize for my language, I apologize for comments made towards the entity of author which I later put myself into the position of naming, I apologize for finding no humor in what apparently every other person on the planet finds hilarious. And most of all, I’m sorry I read your article in the first place.

An English Education Major Post: Oh God, Mother…

So my Mom is in college as well right now.

She’s talking about this paper she has to turn in Tuesday, no longer than 5 pages with the bibliography, at least 6 sources.

Her current problem is that it is too long. She decided she would just write her paper, and then pick her thesis statement last once she had everything down.

SHE DECIDED TO JUST WRITE HER PAPER AND THEN PICK THE THESIS STATEMENT LAST.

How do you make sure every paragraph supports your thesis if you don’t have a thesis. How do you argue a thesis without a thesis. How do you write more than six pages of argument without having an argument. OH YEAH. YOU WRITE TOO LONG, YOU WRITE SUPERFLUOUS SENTENCES, AND YOU RAMBLE.

Guys, there are reasons we have writing processes. It’s to help you out. It’s to make it as efficient as possible. It’s so you don’t waste time writing things you don’t need to and don’t waste time revising wasted words when you could be revising words that help your paper.

Victoria Liveblogs Homework: Modern Novel Edition.

Post 1: Am I Englishing yet?

(And seriously—if you’ve read the last page, you’ve earned that diploma.

…Why yes, I did follow up Ernest Hemingway with Puella Magi Madoka Magica. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE OF LOSS OF INNOCENCE!)

assholedisney:

Throughout my four years of college I have learned how to handle difficult assignments calmly and to not overreact when faced with a stressful situation

Actually, as someone studying to be an English teacher, I am going to encourage this as a part of the writing process. Embrace your freakouts, even put them on paper, but just make sure you fix them later on.

(And I won’t be able to use profanity in the classroom, darn it all.)

(I’m comparing it to Virginia Woolf’s “To the Lighthouse.” Come on. Her husband was her publisher, and it was a literary novel written for the sake of artistic form and ideas and to explore stream of consciousness. And that is good, and I’m one of the few in the class who enjoyed the book. BUT THIS ONE! Oh, this baby got drafts! This baby was a manuscript with notes in red ink! This baby was flawed and fixed and still flawed and fixed some more! This baby was written for a general audience in a mass-market form instead of a literary crowd in an experimental form! Oh, you’re so easy to read you precious little peach!

And that’s why this book gets cuddles.

I’m sorry. I just have a lot of feelings about books. (And I actually liked To the Lighthouse. But that’s literary. It must be taken as it. This novel is a bit more mass-market, depending less on the reader to work hard at it for the sake of art, and with a bit more work on the part of the writer and editor to make a book for an audience. And it’s such a beautiful, wonderful contrast.)

ENGLISH WITH ME.

rochielle:

appeasingclouds:

A new vending machine has been released which can print any book within minutes.

The Espresso Book Machine has access to 500,000 different books - the same as 23.6 miles of shelf space - and can even churn out a fresh copy of Crime and Punishment in just nine minutes.

Pages are printed at a rate of over 100 per minute and are then pressed, glued and cut to produce a pristine book.

Users simply pick the book they would like on a screen and wait for it to be printed … it certainly is a novel way of getting a new book.

Actually, print on demand is a thing. It’s competing with ebooks, and currently ebooks appear to be winning. Both have troubles with the danger of piracy, etc., but nobody really cares about industry talk, do they?

vaspim:

I want to start blogging in MLA format.

Works Cited

Vaspim, Chris B. “Vaspim Wants to Start Blogging in MLA Format.” Vaspim. http://vaspim.tumblr.com/, 29 May 2012. Web. 28 May 2012.

fyeahenglishmajorarmadillo:

[Picture: Background — a six piece pie style colour split, alternating black and grey. Foreground — a picture of an armadillo. Top text: “ [SOMEONE GETS ALL SMUG ABOUT TEXT SPEAK BEING BAD ENGLISH] ” Bottom text: “ [GUSH OVER THE SOCIO-LINGUISTIC IMPLICATIONS OF CHANGING MODES OF COMMUNICATION IN NEW MEDIA] ”]

Fucking THIS. Can we get more of these and less of those pretentious, self-important armadillos who bitch about language usage?

kthxbai

fyeahenglishmajorarmadillo:

[Picture: Background — a six piece pie style colour split, alternating black and grey. Foreground — a picture of an armadillo. Top text: “ [TAKE CLASS ON JANE AUSTEN] ” Bottom text: “ [SUDDENLY VERY AWARE OF “FEMININE ACCOMPLISHMENTS” IN OWN LIFE] ”]

Submitted by: insert-awesome-title-here

(It’s funny because of the place feminine accomplishment actually plays in her marriage plots. Ha.)

Yay, my submission was accepted.

*apathetic confetti*

fyeahenglishmajorarmadillo:

Picture: Background — a six piece pie style colour split, alternating black and grey. Foreground — a picture of an armadillo. Top text: “Tipsy at a party ” Bottom text: “Let me tell you about Dickens and his role prison reform”]

History major with a passion for Victorian literature here. I spent 3 months working on my research paper on Charles Dickens’s works and his role in prison reform in Victorian England for History Seminar. Six novels and a number of letters and literary critiques were read and analyzed to compose this paper. Ah the joys of combining literature and history. <3

Sidenote: I have yet to see any Dickens appreciation here :(

Submitted by: bonjourchaton

fyeahenglishmajorarmadillo:

[Picture: Background — a six piece pie style colour split, alternating black and grey. Foreground — a picture of an armadillo. Top text: “ Say you’re a fan of the Romantic Literary Movement] ” Bottom text: “ People assume you mean smut ”]

No, like Frankenstein.